prinsesakulit

Monday, October 26, 2009

Stubborn joy

Just yesterday I was ranting about being lonely... But God really knows how to pick me up. After a grande caramel macchiatto and phonecall with ate pepay,my spirit was lifted. And as I was drifting to sleep last night, I felt much joy pulsing in my heart. I can literally feel my heart throbing with joy. I felt content. I knew it just wasn't because of the coffee or he fun chat with ate peps, though God did use them too. But i'm certain that it was the Lord filling me with His stubborn joy-that unexplainable joy. I still miss my loves back home... I still have my longings, but I'm no longer frustrated and depressed. And it's all because of Him. I know that the enemy will try to take this joy away from me, but I am certain that the Lord will uphold me. Whom shall I fear when I am Yours?

Posted at 01:37 am by charm
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Sunday, October 25, 2009

Here I go again...

It's been more than a year since I last wrote an entry. I don't know,maybe it's writer's block or I'm just too lazy to organise my thoughts and put them in writing. I think it's both. Anyway, now I have an iPhone I can write my thoughts down even whilst on the move so that's very handy.

I'm on my way to church now. I'm on hammersmith and city line to be exact. Whilst getting ready this morning, I suddenly felt that I don't feel like going to church today. I just wanted to go somewhere,like a soularium type of place where I can just talk to God. Just me and Him. But I am yet to find a place like that here in London. You see for some reason, everytime I go to church, I feel lonely; and I'm suddenly homesick again. Not a very good thing to say I know...but...I don't know. That's just how it is. Maybe because going to church makes me remember the fellowship and friends I had back home and I realise again that I still don't have that kind of fellowship and friends here. Don't get me wrong, the people in church are great. Maybe I'm the only one who has a problem. I feel like I can't connect with them. Maybe because they're mostly older than me and I feel like I'm much too juvenile for them.

Just got back from church. Great preaching from Patrick. Ate Weng with all her discerning power won't believe me when I said that I was ok. Well, I wasn't really. I tried telling her why but it's hard to explain when everytime I start talking and hear what Im saying, I can't help but feel ungrateful towards God. There I was telling ate Weng how lonely I feel coz God hasn't given me the people I've been praying for, but there she was, willing to listen to my rant obviously being one of His answers to my prayers.

I really feel so ungrateful when He's given me great people like Benka, Emma and ate Weng. Why do I still feel as if somehing's missing? Why can't I seem to connect with them the way I'd want to-the way I was with Bcel or leby or patty? Is it the culture, age gap or something else? Am I just still so hung up in looking for friends that I'm not seeing what the Lord has blessed me with? I feel like I'm such a mean person knowing that God is all I need, but still have these longings? Why won't these longings just go away?

Today's preaching was about identity-finding your identity with God. How God loves us despite our filthiness, sins, and ungratefulness. How we don't have to clean ourselves and our act up before we come to Him. How we don't have to pretend that we're ok and perfect when really, we're not. How we could just come before Him all dirty and not really beautiful because He will be the One who will cleanse us andake us beautiful. We can come to Him with all that longing, with our broken and mangled hearts, because it is His utmost joy to satisfy that longing and to make whole our broken hearts.

"If the yearnings went away, what would we have to offer up to the Lord? Aren't they given to us to offer? It is the control of passion, not its eradication, that is needed. How would we learn to submit to the authority of Christ if we had nothing to submit? "-Elisabeth Elliot, "Passion and Purity"

Posted at 08:26 am by charm
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Saturday, May 24, 2008

of wishes and thanksgiving

It's a week before I turn 22. 22. 22. 22...argh...di pa din nagsisink-in.haha there's really not much difference between being 21 and 22. Should there be? Anyway, I was in CLC bookshop in Holborn yesterday, if I didn't have enough self control, I would've bought all the books that I wanted! Ang daming magagandang books! and the "usong bible" that i've ever wanted to buy! So because it's a week before my birthday...I'm herewith listing down my birthday wishlist (and you guessed it, lotsa books are on it!)

in no particular order.. .

*Material Stuff*
The New Spirit Filled Bible - NKJV
The Applause of Heaven - Max Lucado. (I've read this one, I just want to have my own copy and read it again.hehe) Akshali, books by Max Lucado
books by A.W. Tozer, Frank Perretti, Philip Yancey and C.S. Lewis
bible commentary and dictionary
DSLR (I seriously want to study photography)
Ipod Touch
Portable DVD player
Little Rascals, Stepmom, You Got Served and Stardust DVD
a new dress
pairs of earrings (studs and dangling)
WWJD bracelet
a good pair of rubbershoes (for dance class)
*The not-so-materially-things*
Full restoration and healing in Myanmar and China
cell group/bible study
fellowship
long, meaningful, funny, laugh-till-you-cry, cry-till-you-laugh conversations
strong, warrior faith
to be able to attend the Cindy Jacobs speaking engagement in church
be more intimate with the Lord
pass UCL
direction, peace, joy, strength, indestructible faith for all my friends and loves.
quietness of heart
hunger for the Word
abundance of joy
peace in my family
stop being such a worrywart
for people to know and really, truly experience God's love
love, love, love
*Thank you Lord for*
Being able to attend church every Sunday
Relatively peaceful home and laughter at home
Mum's "little" naggings and "mga saway", w/c challenges me to be a better person and woman. (and to always make sure that the kitchen is sparkling clean)
sunny, cloudless days and rainy days (literally and figuratively)
salvation
new acquaintances and new friends to come
for the internet, ym conversations and the landline
Your love enables me to love
the furnace and the wilderness
the courage under fire
eagle's wings enabling me to soar (not flap)
I am secure in Your everlasting arms
finding me qualified for a season of "aloneness" and "isolation" and for the season of "aloneness" and "isolation"
showing me that I'm not really alone
the waiting and preparation seasons and for making all things beautiful in Your time
for friends and loves who I know will always and forever be there for me no matter where I am, no matter where they are, no matter how old we get, no matter how cranky or crazy I (or they!) get...no matter what
for emails and text messages and prayers
being more than enough and for being the Strength of my heart
Your faithfulness, in spite of my little faith
Your amazing, abounding grace
unconditional, inexhaustible love
YOU - my Sheild, Rock, Saviour, Friend, Father, Disciplinarian, Healer, Promise Keeper, Keeper of my heart, Source of Stubborn Joy, Master Potter, my Lord and my God.

Posted at 09:36 am by charm
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Thursday, May 15, 2008

has it been a year already?

Amazingly...yes, it has been a year since I left the Philippines. 14 May 2007, 2pm was my Gulf Air flight. The thought and reality of living my home, my friends, my loves, broke my heart to bits and pieces. I remember vividly, I was frantically calling people up to say goodbye (thanks to Globe's +232******, or was it +235?, 3 minutes for P10 promo!). I was still talking to ate jam whilst we were waiting for boarding. Amidst the noise and the many passengers, I prayed together with ate jam over the phone.

Parang kahapon lang, I was graduating with ESBI a.k.a my "pala" cheering ever so loudly, parang ako tuloy yung Magna Cum Laude!haha Parang kahapon lang, I was watching "The Holiday" and "Pursuit of Happyness" and talking after lights out in Patty's room with my gorgeous 3. Parang kahapon lang, I was shouting my lungs and intestines out in EK with the Superfriends. Parang kahapon lang, me, Leby, Frank, John, Ate Jen and Kito were at the Sunken Garden, having a QT together...my last QT in UP.

This year, the statement "I MISS YOU" received the Understatement of the Year award.

13 May 2006: I dropped a prayer in my, bcel's and ate jam's prayer box a prayer that said, "Lord, prepare me for London". Exactly one year later, I flew to the UK. Indeed, God answers prayers.

This past year was another year of preparation, to something bigger that I can only see with eyes of faith. The past year was a year of letting go of many things and people, and a year of stripping, crushing and molding of character. I cried too many tears that I reached the point when I was telling God that I didn't want to cry anymore, I was too tired. I seriously thought that I won't be able to get out of the circumstances I experienced in the past year alive, I was in so much pain. I was in a furnace. I was in a pit. But, "there is no pit that Christ is not deeper still".

And just as the Lord was with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the furnace that was heated up 7x, the Lord showed me, that He was with me as well. He gave meaning to my furnace. He allowed the furnace that I may be refined. It had to be hot so that I could be cleansed from my impurities.

Being in the pit didn't make things easier. There's little to no light. It's really difficult to get out from a pit that you could reach the point that you'll think you can never get out. What I learned when I was in the pit was, to keep one's hope alive, one has to keep LOOKING UP to the opening where light shines through. I had to keep looking up to my Jesus, my Strength and my Shield. It was in the pit where I experienced to completely put my trust and weight of my yoke upon the Lord. We often say and sing songs with lines such as, "You are my everything" and "You are my delight". I've come to learn that it is when we are alone, when everything's stripped off from us, when we're in the pit, statements such as these are challenged. But praise God for His grace that enables us to continue professing, believing and living that indeed, He is our sole delight and our everything even when in the pit. In fact, it's in the pit where you actually experience and realise that the Lord is all you need. Praise God for the pit, and praise God that He is deeper than any pit!

During the past year, I also learned to love. I learned to love the rain and dark clouds. When you live in London, you learn to appreciate dark, cold and wet days. Because almost everyday is a dark, cold and wet day. And there's always the hope that after every rain is a rainbow. I learned to love people and things who are and that are very much difficult to love. I learned and experienced that love knows no boundaries and that it could and does transcend time and space. (and that love can travel through phone wires and internet servers.)

But above all, I experienced love - the unconditional, unchanging, unwavering, stubborn love and grace of God. No matter how many times I trip and fall, run away and come back (and believe me, I did so, LOTS OF TIMES), He's there. He'll always be there.

When our plane landed on the 15th of May at around 6am UK time, I thought I won't last a day here. But God proved me wrong. I could last years here - anywhere in fact - because He's with me.

And so I praise my God for all that was, there is and there is to come.

TO EVERYONE WHO PRAYED WITH ME AND FOR ME, THANK YOU! *apir*

Posted at 04:02 am by charm
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Tuesday, March 11, 2008

strangled

minsan kasi. nakakasakal na din talaga.

i need someone to tak to.

Posted at 04:21 am by charm
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Saturday, January 26, 2008

mum

Since my parents are away, it's me, my sister and my cousin who are the only ones in the house... along with all the responsibilities. Everyday after work, we'd have to cook dinner, do the laundry (which means put dirty clothes inside the machine, put ariel and comfort, turn to 7 and press start. ), wash the dishes, and hang the washed clothes. That's basically the routine every night even when the parentals are here, but now, we'd have to them all by ourselves! Not that, my parents do all the chores, of course we also help out...but they do most of the cooking and we had daddy to carry the heavy shopping bags.hehe

Since we get home from work between 730 and 8 pm, we'd end up having dinner past 9pm! Well that's because we don't just cook noodles nor pancit canton (buhay bhaus!haha), but we cook real food! We've had caldereta, fish, chicken and vegetables and beef stroganoff. I also had the honour to cook first...I cooked one of the two dishes that I knew...beef steak!haha (the other one's adobo btw. parang walang pinagka-iba diba?!hehe). And...it didn't really turn out the way I wanted it too...too much lemon. pffft.

Anyway, we also clean the house, but we mostly do it during the weekend coz we have more time. Like today for example. Last night, we said we'd wake up early since we had to go to the market for meat and veggies, then go to Tesco to shop for food and other needs (and wants.haha). I was hoping that we'd be back by 2pm so I could call some folks in the Phil. I set my alarm at 5.55am, woke up, was still too sleepy, decided to doze off for another couple of minutes. I finally woke up at 640am and had my quiet time. I finished at 8am, the same time that my cuz woke up. Without verbally assigning tasks, we took up our positions and cleaned the house. My cuz started with the kitchen while I got the hoover (a.k.a vacuum), and started my favourite task of all. My sister woke up past 9pm (she always wakes up last!hehe), and started cleaning the bathroom. Then we had breakfast. After breakfast, my sister and cousin went to the market since I volunteered to stay at home and wash the dishes.hehe They arrived after 40minutes so I had to cut my conversation with leby over ym (pffft!) and we're off to Tesco. After buying 86 pounds worth of stuff, we went home at...2pm!!! wohoo! But I had to cancel my phonecall plans since I had to cook dinner. My cousin had to go to sainsbury's to buy chicken, and my sister was going out with some friends. I was home alone with all the uncooked food.

I started frying the aubergine (a.k.a. talong) and got my eye hit with hot oil that popped out of the pan(ouch!). afterwards, I started with the fish. Whilst cooking, I went online. I just love multi-tasking!haha Then my cousin called and told me to cook rice as well. But, since I was too absorbed in talking with John "Bungisngis" and Feona, I almost burned the rice! Good thing that I saw it immediately and was able to salvage it! Sheeesh...then I started to clean up coz the kitchen was a total disaster (oil was everywhere!). I was getting a bit tired but I have this weird adrenaline rush to continue until everything's in order. And then it hit me...this was probably how a mum feels!haha Back in the bhaus, I used to "cook" (mostly tuna w/ egg, bcel's fave.hehe and pasta) so they'd sometimes call me momi charm. (and when i shared my thoughts to john, he also called me momi charm! daddy na lang daw ang kulang. (>_<') ) ok fine...it's not all that a mum does...there's also the taking care of the kids part amongst others...but what the hey...i'll experience and learn that in its appointed time.hehe

Anyway, after all the cleaning, shopping and cooking (even though it wasn't really the most complicated dish. but try eating it with bagoong! makakalimutan mo pangalan mo at masisira diet mo!nyahahaha) it was really fulfilling despite the muscle and back pains. And now i'm looking forward to a long warm, bubble bath.

Posted at 03:14 pm by charm
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Monday, January 14, 2008

bring it on

lumipad ang aking mga magulang patungong Pilipinas ngayon. 1 month sila dun. buti na lang may charge na ang private jet namin na pwedeng umabot hanggang Cape of Good Hope kung saan ang stop over nila, tas mag ra-raft na sila diretsong Pilipinas. kung may gusto kayo ipadala sa'kin (pahabol na Christmas gift ba.haha feelingera!), kontakin nyo lang si Gdwn, immeet nya si papu sa sabado sa jabee philcoa.haha

na-iinggit ako...gusto ko din magraft pauwing Pilipinas.nyahehehe akshali, gusto ko lang umuwi sa Pinas. period.

ang tagal matapos ng Wowowee, gusto ko na manood ng Bring It On. alam nyo yung kanta ni Willie na compose ni Venhee (sp?!) Saturno na "di mo ba alam na ikaw ang pangarap ko...lahat gagawin kung para sa'yo..."? yun. gusto ko yung kantang yun. kinikilig ako.haha

nagpunta kong oxford street nung sabado para bumili ng ilang bagay. pagpunta ko sa HMV, ang music/video store dito, laking tuwa ko nang madiskober ko na sa lower ground pala ay sandamakmak ang dvds! akala ko kasi yung nasa may entrance lang ang meron sila. but no! as in pati lumang disney movies, classics, foreign films, musicals, featured films, etc ang andon. ang saya-saya ko talaga! sa tunay na buhay kasi, hindi ako marunong magshopping. lalo na ung spur of the moment-may sale kasi kind of shopping. sumasakit lang ulo ko. kaya para mawala si headache, i always end up in starbucks or in HMV. at ang nakakatuwa pa sa dvds ang special features! gusto ko din kasi pinapanood yung deleted scenes, trailers, the making at commentaries. balak ko na nga gawing hobby ang pagkolekta ng dvds. mejo magasto nga lang.haha so anyway, that saturday, after browsing for what seemed like an hour in my haven, i was able to buy 5 dvds! (4.85 when you buy 20pounds worth of dvd kasi yung isa.daya.) may nahanap akong casper, nightmare before Christmas, parent trap, tuesdays with morrie at bring it on (i love no brainer movies as much as war/epic movies. =D)! yung parent trap, favourite ko talaga yun, kaya sobrang tuwa ko ng makita ko sya. at last copy na sya non for that! pag nakahanap na ko ng stepmom at i am sam, super happy ko na talaga!

Posted at 01:19 pm by charm
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Tuesday, January 01, 2008

this made my new year's eve =)

I would like to thank every person who gave a message in this card. I love esbi! *grouphug*

Posted at 09:53 am by charm
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Friday, December 28, 2007

enchanted

Finally, napanood ko din ang movie na ito! Jo has been telling me how good it was (gandang-ganda sya to the highest level!hehe), and another friend told me to watch it since it was a memorable movie for him. let's not just ask why.haha anyway, the movie was really good. Especially the songs. I loved the songs! I was singing, "I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss..." as I walked out of the cinema. And that's also the only line that i remembered from the song.haha My favourite part was when they were walking in the park and Giselle started singing "That's how you know" (How does she know that you love her?). What a grand production! The story was ok. It was somehow predictable. And eventhough James Marsden was still ever so cute, his character looked like a bit of an airhead.haha He looked like a stereotyped jock in a typical highschool themed movie (minus the football/basketball gear and a cheerleader girlfriend).

The movie could make you feel warm and fuzzy all over, but I'm not sure if it had that kind of effect on me. Don't get me wrong, I liked it. I laughed in all the right places, but I just didn't go all mushy because of it. It's not the movie's problem actually, I guess I just haven't found the story that would make me feel mushy all over. Oh hey, it might be mine.

so close, so close....and still so far....

Posted at 12:51 pm by charm
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Friday, November 30, 2007

...

if ignoring me is what would make you happy...then please just ignore me all your life...

Posted at 12:39 am by charm
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