It's been more than a year since I last wrote an entry. I don't know,maybe it's writer's block or I'm just too lazy to organise my thoughts and put them in writing. I think it's both. Anyway, now I have an iPhone I can write my thoughts down even whilst on the move so that's very handy.

I'm on my way to church now. I'm on hammersmith and city line to be exact. Whilst getting ready this morning, I suddenly felt that I don't feel like going to church today. I just wanted to go somewhere,like a soularium type of place where I can just talk to God. Just me and Him. But I am yet to find a place like that here in London. You see for some reason, everytime I go to church, I feel lonely; and I'm suddenly homesick again. Not a very good thing to say I know...but...I don't know. That's just how it is. Maybe because going to church makes me remember the fellowship and friends I had back home and I realise again that I still don't have that kind of fellowship and friends here. Don't get me wrong, the people in church are great. Maybe I'm the only one who has a problem. I feel like I can't connect with them. Maybe because they're mostly older than me and I feel like I'm much too juvenile for them.

Just got back from church. Great preaching from Patrick. Ate Weng with all her discerning power won't believe me when I said that I was ok. Well, I wasn't really. I tried telling her why but it's hard to explain when everytime I start talking and hear what Im saying, I can't help but feel ungrateful towards God. There I was telling ate Weng how lonely I feel coz God hasn't given me the people I've been praying for, but there she was, willing to listen to my rant obviously being one of His answers to my prayers.

I really feel so ungrateful when He's given me great people like Benka, Emma and ate Weng. Why do I still feel as if somehing's missing? Why can't I seem to connect with them the way I'd want to-the way I was with Bcel or leby or patty? Is it the culture, age gap or something else? Am I just still so hung up in looking for friends that I'm not seeing what the Lord has blessed me with? I feel like I'm such a mean person knowing that God is all I need, but still have these longings? Why won't these longings just go away?

Today's preaching was about identity-finding your identity with God. How God loves us despite our filthiness, sins, and ungratefulness. How we don't have to clean ourselves and our act up before we come to Him. How we don't have to pretend that we're ok and perfect when really, we're not. How we could just come before Him all dirty and not really beautiful because He will be the One who will cleanse us andake us beautiful. We can come to Him with all that longing, with our broken and mangled hearts, because it is His utmost joy to satisfy that longing and to make whole our broken hearts.

"If the yearnings went away, what would we have to offer up to the Lord? Aren't they given to us to offer? It is the control of passion, not its eradication, that is needed. How would we learn to submit to the authority of Christ if we had nothing to submit? "-Elisabeth Elliot, "Passion and Purity"